Right, Josh. Thats it, said Mum. That really is it. She reached for my tartan coat and began to shove me into it. Ive warned you, she said through gritted teeth. Ive been warning you for a very long time. But youve had your chances, my little lad, she went on menacingly. Oh yes, youve had your chances - and thats that. She grabbed her bag, dragged me out of the house - I nearly slipped on the frost-spangled path - then we got into the Merc and sped off.
Its just unacceptable, she hissed as I sat next to her, staring dolefully through the windscreen. This delinquent behaviour will not do. It will. Not. Do, she repeated, with melodramatic vehemence. Miss Sweet will sort you out. Miss Sweet, I thought to myself dismally. Mums been threatening me with Miss Sweet for weeks. As for Sweet - I bet shes anything but. Shell be one of those bossy, Birkenstocked, bluestocking types. With her faux-sympathetic, saccharine smile, no doubt masking a sadistic streak a mile wide. And nosey! God, yes. Shes bound to be. Why else do people become shrinks?
As we drove towards Primrose Hill, I tried to imagine what Sweet n Sour would say. Shed get me on that couch of hers, and try to pump me dry. Now do tell me about your childhood, Josh
really? I see. And have you always had this desire to get back at Mummy? Dont worry, Josh. In your own time...
I stared obliquely at Mum as she swerved round a corner, her diamond rings flashing on her taloned fingers, her mouth a gash of bright red. Youre a silly old tart! I wanted to yell at her. You shouldnt dress like that you superannuated belle!
Dont you look at me like that young man! she snapped, clearly still in Madsville. Youre going to learn some respect. We hurtled up Regents Park Road, then she did a sharp right I swear I could smell rubber - then turned into St. Michaels Mews. She yanked me out of the car totally unnecessary, not to say undignified then jabbed on the bell.
Oh. This young woman had appeared surprisingly tasty-looking actually, petite and blonde. Just my type. Do you have an appointment? she enquired pleasantly as I stared at her legs. Nice ankles I couldnt help thinking. I wanted to sniff them but restrained myself.
No, Mum replied. We dont. But Im at my wits end with this young man here, she stared down at me and Id read about you in last months Vogue. We dont mind waiting, Mum added desperately. But I really need your help.
Its okay, said Miss Sweet, rather sweetly. As it happens, my next clients just cancelled. Come in. I followed them inside, feeling ill. I could have chundered in the corner. But the interior was pleasant, and light there was a nice drawing of a wolf - and yes, of course - a psychiatrists couch. I ask you! Cliché or what?
Why dont you sit here? Sweetie said to me, patting it and smiling at me as if I were a half-wit. Yes. Thats it, Josh. Relax. As if. Ill just take a few background notes first.
She nodded sympathetically and scribbled as Mum ranted. Hes been like this for months
very difficult
delinquent
I should have got help before
well I am very busy
an actress
thats right
The Bill
Well, thank you its a very nice part
mmm, he is at an awkward age.
Now have there been any specific traumas? Sweetie asked seriously. Has he been in a fight, for example? Mum shook her head.
Its just the way he treats me, she wailed. Hes so resentful and he shows me no affection. Do you, you little beast? Hmm? I stared at the floor. It was so different when he was a
baby, she sniffed. I felt that he
loved me then. But these days he either completely ignores me or is wilfully destructive, like he was today.
So what exactly did he do? Sweetie-Pie asked, still scribbling.
He
Mums chin was wobbling. Oh God. He took my favourite Jil Sander skirt out of the drawer and ripped it to shreds. And he wouldnt tell me why hed done it. He just stood there, looking up at me with an air of malign satisfaction.
Now Josh, I wonder why you did that? Miss Sweet said to me with an air of professional neutrality.
It was an act of deliberate spite! Mum cut in before I could explain that it was, in fact, an act of deliberate altruism. Mum really shouldnt dress like that. Shes nearly fifty for Gods sake and has legs like toothpicks. She should be grateful for what I did. He ripped up my Azaine Alaia dress too, she sniffed. You bet I did. Much too young for her. Maybe its just a phase, Mum added hopefully as she reached for a hanky. The hormonal soup of adolescence. Or I suppose it could be something Oedipal, she added darkly.
Im not sure, Sweetie said.
Hes the devil incarnate, Mum added, as she blew her nose.
No name-calling, please, said La Sweet. We just want to find out why Josh is behaving in the way that he is. Why? Because Im embarassed to have a mutton-dressed-as-lamb mum thats why! Its excruciating when my friends come round.
Are you out a lot? Sweetie asked her. With your filming?
Well yes, she replied. I suppose I am.
And do you ever take Josh?
Well no
it would be awkward. But hes at an age now when he can be left.
So hes on his own for several hours at a time? Mum nodded guiltily. Ah.
But I pay someone to take him out.
Ive got it, Sweetness announced. Josh is exhibiting chronic insecurity. Hes not actually destroying your clothes deliberately Oh yes I am! Its a classic case of separation distress. The best remedy I can suggest is either to have him
Mum looked stricken.
Not rehomed? she whispered, tremblingly. Sweetie nodded.
Or, better still, get another Dachsund to keep him company. I think youll find that the problem will soon stop.
© Isabel Wolff, 2003. Published in The Sunday Express.
Isabel Wolffs new novel, 'Behaving Badly', is published by HarperCollins
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